Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
— Sylvia Plath

  1.  

    Doubts

    Or better known as getting restless. 

    In my recent posts I’ve been no stranger to mentioning we’re in a state of desk warming. I haven’t taught a class, like, really taught a class since the beginning of December and then winter camp in January. I’ve just been at my desk keeping it warm. My mind’s been occupied; my mother always said “boring people are bored,” and that’s echoed from ear drum to ear drum since the beginning of January. Boring people are bored is quite true, actually. When the numerous facebook statuses bounced around stating things from “I hate desk warming, I’m so bored” to “ugh, 8 more hours of sitting at my desk” I found myself getting angry. 

    My 8 hours have passed with ease. In fact, when 4:30 comes I don’t want to go home because I’m so engrossed in what I’m doing.

    My time has been filled with:

    • reading (I’ve finished 4 books);
    • looking up recipes and jotting them into my new Moleskine Recipe Journal;
    • researching things that interest me
    • Read book reviews
    • look for new and interesting books to read
    • Looking for lesson plan ideas; and,
    • writing

    I have yet to watch movies, TV shows, surf the Internet for random things, or sit on Facebook all day hitting the refresh button waiting for someone to say something stupid again, or worse, hating on Korea. 

    Yesterday, however, I hit a bit of a wall. Being a state of tiredness and alertness, my brain couldn’t/wouldn’t focus on one thing. Napping didn’t work and reading didn’t work.

    Instead my brain went to a very dangerous place: wondering if being in Korea is the best thing for me. My brain took the drivers seat and all of my fears were directed into thinking about what could have been or what might be with the perfect combination of factors. 

    My brain explored these possibilities:

    • Go home and ride professionally when my contract is finished in September
    • Find somewhere to ride in Palm Beach
    • Why didn’t I just become a professional at the age of 18, not go to college, not meet my near perfect boyfriend, and not do the amazing things I’m doing all while not being educated (Seriously, Rachel. Seriously?) 
    • Maybe I should go teach in America. 
    • I’m not a real teacher
    • Maybe I could really be something or someone if I’d stayed with riding or gotten a different degree or not wanted to continually reach for something better, a better life, a better job, a better future. That maybe there’s bliss in lacking this thought of betterment and I’m sure there is, but not for me. 

    The list is really endless. And all of it is ridiculous. I’ve been so distanced from the horse world that I’ve forgotten why I’m not a part of it and why, at the age of 18, I chose to abandon all dreams, hopes, passions, and the only thing I’d really ever known. 

    The doubts ebbed and lowed throughout the day. Possibilities were weighed and the conclusions were none. the only logical conclusion was that I’d been sitting stagnant for too long in the cold, dark, depressing winter. 

    My students returned to school today to get the assignments for their new homeroom teachers and to say goodbye to those that are leave. As I did the half-walk half-run into school to prevent my tardiness the students were assembledoutside in the school yard. All of them were there! And suddenly everything seemed to be right in the world again. As I did the half-walk half-run to the office through the gaggles of chattering students I got hellos, I missed you teacher, I love you teacher, long time no see teacher! We’re back teacher! Wow! Teacher! you are fashionista! While it may seem the endless love and celebrity-like status made me feel like all was right in the world, it was really seeing their youthful faces. I knew I’d get to be back in front of the classroom soon. The place where I belong. Talking. Laughing. Joking. Educating my students. Being a friend and a mentor. A sister to those who have none. My role is more than just a teacher. And I realized my students mean more to me than anything I doubted yesterday. 

    Those doubts will always be there because that’s a path that’s easy for me, the path or horses. I have little struggle with horses. When I’m around them all goes silent and everything really is perfect in the world. That’s the easy path and I’ve never been one for the easy path. I doubt. I doubted. and I will still doubt. But I know now that my students had more of an effect on me than I’d realized. 

    The paths we choose are endless and always filled with doubt. The mind games we play with ourselves is often the most devastating game we can play. These mind games can also lead to freedom if we just let them. If we feel them, let them subside, and move forward on the path we’re presently on. 

    1. flock-of-synopsis said: Regardless of the path you choose, you will always be missing the one you didn’t choose. It’s hard to get your mind to drift away from such thoughts, but it’s healthy if you can stay focused. You’re doing wonderful. Don’t question it.
    2. ohheythereworld posted this
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